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Dear Little Sam,

Today you had a bad day – one of the worst of your life as it will turn out.  You were unjustly blamed for something that is not your fault.  Unfortunately, the adults in your life that were supposed to protect you, didn’t.  Ricky’s mom failed you because she couldn’t deal with what her own son had done.  Mom failed you too.  It’s not that she doesn’t love you or care, but she wasn’t equipped to deal with what happened either.  Dad is oblivious and when you needed a strong man in your life, he was absent and aloof.  None of this is fair to you and because of their failures, you have a lot on your shoulders, little man. You can’t completely trust everyone in life, maybe not anyone, but you can trust me.  So I want to tell you a few things that you can believe:

  • You are a good kid. Ricky is a fucking turd bucket and he’s most definitely not your friend.
  • None of this was your fault. You could not have done anything to prevent or stop it.  It’s Ricky’s fault, no one else’s.
  • Ricky’s mom is a selfish fucking bitch who decided to look out for her own kid while pointing the finger at you. That’s on her – hopefully she hasn’t slept a good night’s sleep since, because you sure as shit won’t.
  • Ricky was himself abused, by an adult most likely. It doesn’t matter.  That’s not your responsibility and you don’t need to feel bad for him.  It explains why he did what he did, but it most definitely does not excuse it.
  • It’s ok to feel angry; at Ricky, at his mom, even at our mom. Just don’t be angry at yourself – you’re the only one in this whole thing that has absolutely nothing to be sorry for.
  • You’re going to try and please people for the rest of your life. You’ll eventually learn that their pleasure is not your responsibility and that you can’t please them anyway, but it’s something you’re going to have to continually remind yourself of.
  • Happiness come from within – nobody can make you happy. Nobody possesses that power and it’s not their responsibility to begin with.
  • You’re going to try and drown all of this out with alcohol. It will work for a while, but eventually you’re going to have to deal with it, and it’s going to suck.
  • You are a strong motherfucker. The grown-ups in your life have failed you, but where other kids would have melted down into dysfunctional shit heaps, you will succeed in life and do very well for yourself, wounds and all.  Good fucking job.

So that’s it.  One last thing I want you to know is that I love you and that you’re going to be ok, even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes.  No matter what, you’re going to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move out like you always do.  Like I said, you’re a bad motherfucker.

Big Sam

One comment on “Dear Little Sam – a Letter to Myself

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